Fuck I'm bored. And tired of staring at notes. And hating life. Debating the gym but gah I don't even know if I have the energy for that. And I need chocolate. Seriously. The chocolate thing is out of control.

Today: I made a ridiculous breakfast. (This is so not helping with the blah diet blah of the title.) Whenever my family does the long weekends in Santa Rosa we go across the street to Lyons. This is the ONLY time I go to Lyons. But they have skillets and those are awesome. Today? I made my own. Kinda. Handful of roasted potatoes chopped up and heated up in a little olive oil. 3 strips bacon. 3 eggs, scrambled. Handful of shredded cheddar cheese which I placed over the potatoes and then put the eggs on top of that. Salsa and sour cream to garnish. Throw all on a plate and eat. Was delicious. I love my ability to cook. No, seriously, I pretty much rock a kitchen.

100 calorie granola bar. 100 calorie pack cinnamon things. Two or three handfuls of crispix.

Dinner: lentil curry soup thing my stepdad makes. Pretty good but why the fuck he has to start making it at noon and has to make so much noise when making it is fucking beyond me. Noisiest person in the kitchen EVER. Hot dog on a whole wheat bun with ketchup and onions. My mom fried the hot dog in butter which I could have done without but I'm not in charge of the kitchen right now, so, whatever. Homemade mac and cheese, mmm, two pretty small servings of.

No exercise. I'm studying. POORLY. Piss poorly. Gah. Whatever. But still: Gah.

Yesterday: A butt ton of McNuggets (Stupid 20 for $5 deal. I ate about 15. Typing that is nauseating, but truth so...) and a medium fries with a Dr Pepper. Some days are just those days.

Though! I did walk the great highway and finally enjoyed the sun. It was fantastic. The sun is now gone. Back to fog.

For dinner: 1 lamb chop, some roasted potatoes, a lot of salad which my mother routinely puts too much dressing on. Sigh. Oh well.

Today: 3 pieces of bacon, 2 fried eggs, handful of roasted potatoes
Williams Sonoma S'More. My need for chocolate during bar study is exponentially higher than it is normally.
Dinner: tri-tip sandwich with provolone cheese. Tater tots and ketchup.

Fun fact: The fish oil pills I've been taking that have not at all been helping my skin despite someone swearing that they would be good for it? Yeah. Because you are supposed to take 3 a day. WHO KNEW? I took 2 today. We'll up it tomorrow.

Oh and I did curls, biceps, and triceps along with reverse push-ups while watching Stick It. Missy Peregrym's abs were motivation.

2 Dr Peppers (it was that kinda day)
5 wing strips with ranch
100 calorie pack of cinnamon crisp things
2 mint and chocolate quaker chewy "granola" bars
Filet of halibut in caper butter sauce
6 stalks asparagus
large serving of salad with avocado and shrimp, HOPR dressing

Since I'm a god awful studier ANYWAYS, I'm leaving the house tomorrow to get some sun. This monastic thing isn't working. Even when I convince myself this test stands between me and everything I want. Think I'm taking an internet hiatus for the next several days. Just gonna cut the cord and be away and focus on studying.

I have to get out tomorrow. This self inflicted monastic living is driving me BATTY.

Ravioli, about a cup, with parm cheese
Prime rib bone meat.
A couple handfuls of reduced fat triscuits
Dr Pepper
Large quesadilla: 2 flour tortillas, chicken breast meat, bunch of cheese, salsa, medium sized avocado, couple tablespoons of sour cream.

All I did was walk around the black. Gah.

I don't even remember what I did yesterday so, yeah, whatever.

Today I was starving all day.

Granola bar in the morning.
Chicken thigh with skin and yummy rice stuff my mom makes at 11.
A shit ton (always a technical term) of Crispix. This is my bar study savior food.
3 foil wrapped chocolate snowmen.
Chicken leg, cold, from the fridge.
Cheeseburger from Joe's of Westlake (So good. Cut the roof of my mouth though)
3 raviolies from my side of Joe's. Saving rest for tomorrow.
Like 10 baby carrots.

No Dr Pepper or 5 hour energy! So proud of myself for that.

2 cups of tea.

It's weird to NOT be hungry all the time, even today when I am hungry, I'm not eating a particular lot.

Exercise is also taking a back seat to bar study. It's unfortunate but I need to focus on that so that's what we're doing. I, apparently, have an inability to work out AND study. C'est ca. 5 solid hours of studying in and I'm gonna force in another hour and a half of essay writing. SO MUCH FUN!

Walked Lake Merced in an hour (using the bridge). Not usually working out outside of a gym, my hips and knees are STILL killing me from pounding it out on pavement. Ouch. Good to feel it though and know what I am capable of.

A bunch of carrots and 4 boneless wing strips with ranch dressing. Dr Pepper.

5 beers, a glass of rum on ice. (And that felt freaking good, btw. I love my friends.)

Shrimp tortellini in cream sauce. (Bad call. All around bad call. Whatevs.)

And one amazingly awful sinus headache.

Let's do this. I've been slacking off and that's my own fault. There's really no excuse.

So:
Lunch: 2 large flour tortillas, chicken breast, half a cup or so of shredded cheddar cheese, couple tablespoons of sour cream, salsa. Or more simply: homemade quesadilla
12 oz Dr Pepper

Dinner: 3 pancakes with butter and "maple syrup" (Log Cabin, thus mostly HFCS)
3 links of maple sausage, 2 pieces of bacon
Glass of 1% milk

And that's it. Not so bad, actually.

The problem is working out. I haven't been to the gym since...Monday? And I haven't been consistently at all. Believe it or not, attempting to work your brain all the time leaves you freaking exhausted. EXHAUSTED. I'm hoping to go tonight but in reality I think we're more looking at tomorrow morning. I need to figure out how to balance all of this and not be filled with the self loathing. We're working on it. Slowly.

Update: and four chocolate snowmen. Like foil wrapped things. From Christmas. Ya know what I mean, right? Right.

Quickly:

30 minutes elliptical, slow and steady

15 minutes walking on the treadmill, thought I was gonna die.

15 minutes of stretching. Ahhh. That felt good.

3 scrambled eggs with cheese and salsa for breakfast

10 chips dipped in sour cream. Hey, we all got our vices. 

A shit ton of Crispix (yes, that's an actual number)

Salad for dinner: lettuce, red onion, bell pepper, croutons, ranch dressing

Some English Toffee I found that was from Disneyworld. Woot woot.

Not bad for the food. Note: NO SODA. Quite the little victory today. The cardio needs to be worked on but we'll get there. 

It was frustrating to realize this will never end. There will never be a day where I don't need to worry about working out and can just take weeks off at a time, but that's the price you pay for trying to achieve your goals, right? Ugh. 

I went to the gym. Finally. That sucked. 20 minute elliptical, 20 sad pathetic minutes on the treadmill at 3.2 mph, 20 minutes on the trike. I have no lungs still. And because of how I sit on my bed all the time, I am listing right. I'm a retard.

Though! In food:
All I had today was a handful of reduced fat triscuits, a Dr Pepper, 3 hard candies I scrounged in my room, lots of water, half a bag of haribo gummy bears (all other kinds are invalid) and am now shoving Crispix in my face. And barring anything major, this will be all I eat today.

Now: I realize this is not the healthiest approach and will certainly not be a regular occurrence but it actually kinda feels nice to not have consumed 8000 calories a day.

Tomorrow I plan on going to the produce store and getting stuff so I can have salads. And probably eating a burrito. Because for some reason, in my brain, a burrito is way healthier than fast food, amIrite?

Note to self: after being sick for a week and still having a cough, you will NOT, I repeat NOT, be able to pick up doing the 90 minutes of cardio where you left off. I slogged through 45 minutes just now and wanted to die while doing that. AND because my gym is the only gym on EARTH with non-working equipment in the new year, I couldn't do the machines I wanted in the order I wanted. (First World Problems.) But ya know what? About the crowded gym and machines? All these people that like go to the gym often bitch about how crowded the gym is right now. To those people I say: STFU. I mean. Really. Let's say half the U.S. makes a new years resolution to lose weight. And of those half a quarter join the gym. And of that 1/4 maybe...what...5%? stick with it past the month of January. So to that 5% I say ROCK ON! Good for you! I can handle the gym being a little crowded for a bit so you can have at it. I'm also hoping to be with that 5% this year so all you naturally skinny, genetically blessed, gym rats can suck it. Good for you, fatties! /rant

Yesterday I woke up still sick. And I was annoyed that I was still sick. I ate some oatmeal, felt ridiculously tired still and said, "Fuck it. I'm just going to sleep until I wake up not feeling sick." This worked until 2 p.m. when my mom came home and wanted to know why the hell I was still asleep. I woke up for a bit then but mostly laid in bed miserable. I ate a little bit of dinner, watched the Sugar Bowl, and then laid in bed before taking 2 Tylenol PM and going to bed at midnight (reasonable for me). And lo! I woke up feeling infinitely better. But still with a cough, which is more annoying than anything.

So today:
3 pieces of bacon, 2 eggs, 2 pieces of toast
Ginger Ale
Tuna with mayonnaise and red onions on 6 crackers
For dinner is roast chicken and veggies, I believe, maybe potatoes? I'll try not to gorge myself on dessert tonight but who knows.

45 minutes of cardio at the gym.
15 walking
5 jogging
10 of hell on the elliptical that is not the one I usually use
15 minutes on the trike

Tomorrow: We go a little further, a little faster, and eat a little better.

This has taken a break as I've been sick. Stupid flu. I both don't have any appetite and am only eating crap so...it's kind of a wash, I guess. I'm gonna head back to the gym after a five day hiatus tomorrow as soon as I wake up, which I am hoping is at a reasonable hour and need to break this 3 a.m. bedtime, 11 a.m. wake up time pattern.

That is all for now.

SO EXCITING! WHEE!

Gah.