Some very ealy epiphanies

So today is the first day I haven't said, "I'll start tomorrow!" (And promptly purchased something at a fast food joint.)

Instead: IT STARTED TODAY.

I'd be lying if I said I was super stoked. No one wants to have to work at losing weight. But I'm here. And I'm trying to be positive as possible about it. And I've already learned some things!

1) The different container size system I am on? I'd been doing it wrong! Instead of thinking about what I want to eat and trying to then force that into the containers that exist in my world, I should instead be earmarking, ahead of time, what each container is for. NOVEL! So it becomes a "fun" thinking game of logicing out what goes where at what time when, instead of waiting for hunger to strike and going, "Shit, I don't have any carbs left for the day."

Yes, I've just described color coded meal planning. But reframing it not as "ugh meal planning for a week! That's impossible and not how I want to spend my time!" and instead as, my nerdy board gaming husband would look at it, asset allocation over a period of days, it becomes far less daunting and feels less tedious. Go figure! I think this is why my coach asked me what my "go-to" meals are. During the work week I know I can do greek yogurt in the morning, and berries in the afternoon. On the weekend, I know spinach and scrambled eggs and a bit of cheese will make me happy without looking at a menu and having ALL THE OPTIONS and then making bad choices. So asset allocation as opposed to meal planning and the whole damn thing took on a new tilt. (I wish I'd bought that on sale star wars notebook I saw to do this in.)

2) The second thing I learned is about recalibrating my hunger. In the past, I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. There was no set time. This was particularly true in the morning. I know everyone will tell you "breakfast is the most important meal of the day!" (which is likely false, btw) but it's not when I'm "hungry". But what is hunger? If we think of it as a need for food, waiting until I felt that need means I then devour things because I am past the point of logical hunger (which I talked about in the last post). Forcing Encouraging myself to eat in the morning when I may not particularly feel like it, and then to eat a snack again in the afternoon, will hopefully have the benefit of not wanting to eat my arm off/everything in sight the second I get home. Which means less cheese and crackers/chips/salty delicious things. It's day one, so let's keep our expectations in check, but off to a decent start, eating my late afternoon raspberries.

3) Don't reward yourself with things that counteract your goal. Again, this SEEMS like it's self explanatory. I've heard it at weight watchers before when I did that. "Have a nice cup of tea! Go get your nails done!" But how often do you want to instead devour a cheeseburger after your week or two of "clean" living? More often than not, at least for me. Then it was, again, reframed! Lifehacker stated: give yourself a tool to reach the next level. The article that tidbit came from is here and led me to Nerd Fitness. My husband will tell you I'm not a nerd because I think Sauron and Sauromon are the same thing (I don't, actually, but the alliteration annoys me) but Nerd Fitness sounds kind of awesome. And the idea of leveling up and giving myself more tools at each stage sounds awesome. I've been eyeing some of those awesome strappy sports bras and the go "wah wah, I'm too fat for those. When I lose some weight" or "I already have a ton of underused workout clothes, I can't rationalize strappy sports bras." But what if it's a reward? You worked out ten times in 14 days? Put $20 in aside for that. So I'm going to pull out one of my many (many many many) empty journals and set myself some prize levels along with my color coded asset allocation.

I also signed up for the Nerd Fitness newsletter so I'll let you know how that goes. But I think the big thing here is: I've read it all. I get the principles. Hell, we ALL get the principles. (Eat less! Exercise more!) What is needed now is putting those into practice to reach results in a way that still makes living this life sustainable and FUN. While also being kind and generous to ourselves when we do slip up. Phew. That's a LOT to try and balance. It's day 1 and I'm more optimistic now than I was when I woke up. So let's see how this goes.

Just Eat Less!

My coworker told me today, "You just have to eat less." WELL THANK YOU FOR THAT FABULOUS INSIGHT! I hadn't considered that, person who needs to lose ten pounds and not 100 pounds! WHY DON'T I JUST DO THAT!

Because we all know it's not that simple. It's never that simple. Because the logical rational part of my brain that knows I should eat healthy for my future self and that moderation is good and excess is bad shuts off when food is placed in front of me. When food is placed in front of me, delicious, wonderful, cheesy, melty, fattening food, my brain goes, "ARGH BARGH BARGH GET IN MY FAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCEEEEE!"

She also posited, in her best southern sorority girl, that "Sure, you can eat the animal style burger today but then you just eat less tomorrow." HAHAHA Okay! I'LL DO THAT TOO!

Except, again: Not how it works. "I had animal style yesterday so I don't want that so how about mcnuggets!"

I live in a world with an abundance of choices where I can indulge in almost any desire I have. As I recently read in an article, making the good (healthy) decision for future me is often overcome by my base desire to have wtf I want for right now me. And just because my conscious rational logical mind knows that the healthy choice is good, doesn't mean the me faced with all the options listed on a menu can turn off the "fettucine alfredo is the best and why not give yourself the best you've earned it you lovely unicorn!" part of my brain.

The struggle is, as they say, most DEFINITELY real.  It's like something clicks off during food satiating periods. Do I need the whole burger and all the fries on my plate? Nope. Am I gonna eat 'em all anyway? Yeeeeeep. And why? Because in that exact food satiating moment, I'm honestly not really pondering it that hard. Something has been placed in front of me, it must be the right amount, I am going to devour. And am I really enjoying it? I mean, it all tastes good. It all tastes better than smoothies and protein shakes and kale. It tastes like...deliciousness. But am I savoring it? Probably not. Because, again, brain has shut off during satiation. Fugue state? Some deeper carnal neanderthal nom nom state? I dunno what to call it. But I'm not thinking, that's for damn sure.

And no matter how many pep talks I give myself of, "We need to be better about being conscious about how and why and when and what we're eating", the second I am faced with choices or hunger, I am choosing what I WANT, not what I need, and eating all of it, with glee.

So. The advice wasn't wrong. It's just not something I haven't thought about a million times before.

In an effort to forever and always change my waistline, I have been suckered into getting a "coach" for an infomercial system, along with their protein drink system. I say suckered because I feel a bit. I had an existential crisis on Friday about paying for yet another weight loss gimmick in the ongoing battle over my weight. Like...what if it were just easier? What if it didn't matter? I wanted to pout and dig my heels in and think about how unfair it is to not be trapped in a lithe gorgeous body. And so I did. And ate all the things because the diet always starts tomorrow.

But I need this, I guess. I thought about the cost relative to the weight I want to lose and decided it wasn't that much. And having a coach and accountability and a check-in system will keep me honest. And I need to think about my own expectations of how this isn't going to happen overnight. I'm trying to remind myself to try really really hard and not be tempted by the first piece of buttery deliciousness that crosses my path. I'm trying to remind myself to think about my future self, not just the one who wants to look good in a bikini in a few months but also the one who doesn't want to be a terribly out of shape older person who is using a wheelchair to get around Disneyland. I need to be good (healthy good, not delicious good) to my current self for my future self. Does that make sense? Probably not.

Anyway. That's where we're at. About to try this again. About to try and not get derailed by myself or life circumstances. To convince myself veggies are delicious as more than just a pizza topping and that you don't need bacon at breakfast or cake after dinner, no matter how RIGHT NOW delicious those things are.